two options about my weight, above ground or below?

Sheez I almost gave up on this what with Bloggers special spam detector....No its not spam! Its a blog about how I decided right now at this moment to put my fat ass out there in front of everyone and tell you why I think its high time I loose some weight. Why I think its important to share and how I plan on doing it. This is not an easy blog for me to write. I was never the thin skinny girl...well when I was like 6,7,8, pre-puberty age. Then puberty came and gave me all these curves in places that I never had before I felt totally betrayed. I poured over Seventeen as a teen, wanting to look like the girls on the pages, and I was active but not as active as I would have liked. My parents never encouraged the athletic things I was interested in, softball and volleyball, and really could not afford activities like gymnastics or dance that I wanted to do. I don't blame my parents one bit, but, I just lost confidence as I got older and covered it up with weight. People thought as I grew into a young woman that I had it together. When secretly I was fighting depression and a bout of agoraphobia. I did not easily share my problems with friends and hid behind silliness or trying to fit in. One of my responsibilities as a teen was to cook dinner, and so I learned to cook and I would eat as I cooked and then sit and eat again with my family. As I got older I met my Love and we had a rocky tumultuous relationship and  my weight crept up and down never really getting under control. As I had children and our relationship grew stormy because of his addiction I ate more. I'd cook for the kids and then would hate to see it go to waste so I would eat what they didn't.

 I formed my own secret relationship with food. It was the one thing I could turn to to fill me up. To sate my pain. I was on food stamps up until recently really and I looked forward to planning my shopping being responsible to get healthy food but also getting junk. I would justify it by saying its just a treat for us. We deserve it.I planned meals for a month stretching my budget as far as it could go. Over the years I learned to become a good, scratch that, damned good cook and I cooked elaborate meals, homemade chile rellenos, enchiladas, from scratch mac n cheese, homemade tamales at Christmas, homemade chicken strips, my daughters favorite even making homemade BBQ sauce. I even blogged about my recipes and even occasionally fit in some healthy meals on my blog. I even said that cooking was how I showed my love to my friends and family. It is a big part of my life. I have so many food pictures on Facebook, almost as many photos of food as my grandson! Yes food is a BIG part of my life. So much so that it takes over on Sundays, a day when I should relax with my family, Sunday dinner becomes the big thing! And of course I make my kids favorites and loose time with them in the process....

 HOMEMADE PANCAKES WITH HOMEMADE BLUEBERRY SYRUP

 OUR SPREAD FOR SUPERBOWL SUNDAY

 BACON WRAPPED HOTDOGS...

 A HOMEMADE NOT TAKE OUT, BUT JUST AS FATTENING PIZZA

This video is one of my video recipe blogs...that I did not edit...when I look at it now I see how Happy I am to cook and share my recipes, but how I forced myself to eat that chicken....for the sake of my blog...

So two days ago I sat and ate a wonderful  Birthday dinner my daughter made and ate cake my other daughter made, I noticed how tired I was. How my breathing has changed, how my middle of the night snoring has moved my love to the couch. How he says he hears me stop breathing sometimes and elbows me to make me turn over. How my blood pressure is controlled by medicine and how my work pants are tighter. How my granny arms could just totally help me take flight if someone pushed me off a ledge..I noticed how most of the people I work with are fat! We are bus drivers and in the last 6 years I have gained 50 pounds. Not to mention the people who I transport in wheelchairs are usually morbidly obese...I do not want to be like that one day!

My Love tells me he loves me that I am NOT FAT, and I KNOW, that is a lie, I mean yes he loves me but I am the fattest me I have ever been and if I do not get a hold of it now I will pay the price later, obviously I am already starting to pay with some health concerns and problems. So this photo is where I am today pretty much.

Yes, I have dieted and exercised, tried the buddy system... they always flake, tried Insanity, results, but holy shite I am surprised I did not have a coronary! Yes I have tried, albeit throwing  in the towel after a short while...so key here is to be committed. To STAY COMMITTED. My health is on the line really, if I keep doing this where will I be in a year or two, probably 6 feet under. But what am I doing to DO to change it?
I KNOW WHAT TO DO...I just don't......Thought if I made that small enough you wouldn't see it! I know that the one thing that has worked for me is eating clean, by eating clean I mean eating foods that are not processed, and foods that have a very short shelf life....no white sugar, flour, hydrogenated fat. I love Tosca Renos Eat Clean Diet theory. It works, but it involves a lot of planning and time, ordering pizza is just a lot easier right? It is until you start eating it too much. So I think the plan for me is to get back to some basics... similar in vein to eating clean but not as strict, eat more protein, complex carbs, eliminate sugar, (i am going to get some Pepsi right now) drink water, and move my ass! I will be honest I don't believe in depriving yourself of a treat, maybe that whole way of thinking is what got me here...and maybe after changing some of my hardcore habits it will be easier to forgo certain "treats", but until chocolate becomes an acquired taste for me I will be a work in progress in that department.
So tomorrow/today (wow started this when he left to go throw the paper) I am going to go to the Flea Market and get some fruits and veggies and plan a healthy Sunday dinner that will only take the most minimal amount of time. After dinner I am going to get my family up and make them walk!
Hope you will follow me as I start my quest to get fit...encourage me to keep encouraging you.